the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
