fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
