seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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