My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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