Umm I'm too high to move.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
