how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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