and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
