I wish my penis had an off switch
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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