Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
