just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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