1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
