last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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