sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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