I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
