You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
