Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
