He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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