Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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