no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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