My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
