And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
