I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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