my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
