You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
