It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
