shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
