I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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