Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
