Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
