We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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