Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
