As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
