Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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