we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
