Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
