Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
