Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
