Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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