she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My vagina just clenched in fear
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
