one two three fourrrrnication!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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