Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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