i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
