just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
