Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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