I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
