wanna go halves on a baby?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
