i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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