Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
