there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
