i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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