my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
