you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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