my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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