I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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