It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
