You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize