i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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