whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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