my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
