Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
