I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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