I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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